"How can I support my friend who lost a child?"
"How can I be there for my sister/brother/daughter/nephew after their child’s death?"
Many well-meaning individuals want to support a loved one who has lost a child, but they don't know how to. Unfortunately, the noble desire to avoid doing or saying the wrong thing often causes people to do nothing. Inaction often results in inadequate support for bereaved parents and increases isolation and feelings of aloneness in grief.
This post describes ideas to tangibly support a loved one who has lost a child and shares our own experiences with receiving support. Grief is neither uniform nor linear, and it’s important to exercise emotional intelligence and discern the most appropriate approach to support a specific person at a given time. However, these ideas serve as examples of concrete ways you can consider showing love to a bereaved parent.
- Be present at the hospital. When you have no clue what to say, presence often speaks louder than words. After losing our son, Travis Jr., six family members drove hours and flew in from other states and internationally to be at the hospital. Two of our pastors also visited the hospital multiple times each. At the time, we believed we’d see a miracle and leave the hospital with our living child; now in hindsight, we see how special it was that these individuals became the only ones who had the privilege of meeting our stillborn son.
Their presence at the hospital assured us that we were supported and that they cared. They sat with us, prayed with us, sang with us, coordinated and advocated with the clinical staff for us, and more. There were also times when we didn't want anyone else in the hospital room and they humbly waited in the lobby or elsewhere; but knowing that they were around and available was meaningful.
Additionally, we didn't want too many overall visitors at the hospital during this time. We declined when a friend offered to visit, but the fact that she offered and was willing to find a way to get to the hospital despite not having a car meant a lot; her willingness to be there is a loving gesture that will stick with us over time. Therefore, offering to visit a newly bereaved parent in the hospital is a meaningful way to support your loved one. Even if they decline the offer, don't take offense and know that your offer will still be valued.
- Send a message. There is tremendous value in reaching out to someone after losing a child. It helps them know that others care and value them and their child. It can be hard to know what to say, and saying the wrong thing can often cause more harm than good. Yet, silence can unintentionally communicate apathy or disregard for the child’s life and the parent’s grief.
As a general guideline, saying less is more but it’s still helpful to reach out. Comments letting a bereaved parent know they are in your thoughts and prayers and/or that you are willing to support them in whatever ways they need are typically welcome. Sharing your sentiments through a text message and/or a physical greeting card like this card works well.
We received a swath of text messages and cards showering love and sympathies. We were often very delayed in reading/responding to text messages, and it took a few months before we opened and read most of the cards. However, the fact that so many people took the time to reach out helped us feel cared for in our grief, and we now have the physical cards as special keepsakes to help us remember how much others loved us and our son.
- Provide meals. Grief often removes the ability, desire, or willingness to prepare adequate meals. We were immensely grateful for our parents who provided many home-cooked meals that we froze and ate over time. Colleagues and friends generously organized meals to be delivered to our home. Friends and colleagues selflessly provided hundreds of dollars in gift cards for us to order meals from our preferred restaurants.
These meals included both necessary foods, as well as special treats like a gift card to our favorite pie shop. We were so blessed that so many people took initiative to provide for us in this way because we were unable to dedicate the mental and physical energy needed to cook for a long time following our son’s death.
- Offer household help. After parent loses a child, regular life responsibilities remain. But for many, it can feel hard enough to get out of bed or take a shower each day, much less lift a broom or scrub a tub. Having a clean, orderly environment has mental health benefits, including reducing feelings of anxiety and stress, which can already be heightened due to grief. Therefore, offering to help clean or providing funds for a house cleaning service is a tangible way to support a bereaved parent.
While we were in the hospital, we gave our family the key to our home so they could pack away the baby registry gifts that Travis Jr. now wouldn’t be able to use. In the process, they took the initiative to clean up our home. They transformed our garage from a junky, Amazon-box-full mess to a clean, walkable space that surprised us when we returned home from the hospital.
They swept, washed dishes, cleaned bathrooms, and further surprised us by assembling a patio furniture set that we had bought months prior and hadn’t gotten around to building. Having the patio furniture now ready to use was beneficial because it allowed us to spend time outdoors and get fresh air - and, as we shared in a previous blog post, spending time outdoors is a helpful tool for grieving child loss.
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We clearly received lots of support from loved ones in the days, weeks, and months following our son’s death. This support, of course, didn’t remove the pain, but it helped provide comfort during a dark time.
We know that many bereaved parents don’t have this type of support, often because loving relatives and friends don't know what to do to help. This blog post is the first in a series we are writing to increase awareness of ways to support bereaved parents. Subscribe to our newsletter below to stay tuned and be updated when each post is released, and share with someone who can benefit from this information.