This blog post continues our series offering a variety of ways to show your love and support for bereaved parents. Let's take a detailed look at this one:
6. Help with any funeral/memorial service or burial arrangements.
After our son, Travis Jr., died, the last thing we could fathom doing was holding a funeral for our child. Like most parents, never in a million years did we envision that we’d be faced with burying our son.
When this nightmare became a reality, we chose to have a memorial service to honor the life that our precious son lived. We wanted it to be a beautiful celebration of life, yet did not have the mental/emotional capacity or desire to be too involved in the details.
We relied heavily on our family, friends, and church leaders to carry out Travis Jr.’s memorial service. They researched, selected, and coordinated with the funeral home. Identified and purchased a burial plot and a casket. Found a burial outfit. Designed and printed programs. Obtained flowers and decor. Booked singers. And so, so, so, so much more.
They asked our input on key decisions, but performed all of the heavy lifting for us.
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To support your loved one after losing a child, consider the following concrete ways you can offer to help with the service and burial arrangements (should they choose to go this route).
i. Research ways to help fund service/burial costs. Funerals and burials are expensive (often thousands of dollars), yet a well-executed farewell should be the norm and not a luxury. To avoid making bereaved parents take on additional financial stress during an already distressful time, you can help find ways to relieve the burden of funeral/burial costs (e.g., through support from organizations like A Mom’s Peace and the Tisdahl Foundation; church bereavement/benevolence ministries; and crowd funding campaigns).
ii. Coordinate details/serve as a liaison by communicating with the funeral home, church or other religious institution, and/or the bereaved parent (to the extent they desire). Details to coordinate include figuring out the location, date, and time of the service, burial, and/or cremation depending on the parents’ choice; selecting an appropriate casket; selecting a headstone (though this can be done a later date, which is what we did); among other details.
iii. Find a burial outfit that fits. Our family purchased a white burial suit for Travis Jr. on Amazon. While it was too big for his 5 lb 9 oz body, it still fit okay enough. However, many babies are too small for the readily available clothes, so organizations such as Kennedy’s Angel Gowns specialize in making beautiful burial outfits that fit these small bodies. You can help by researching and obtaining an appropriately sized outfit for the child.
iv. Create and print invitations and programs. Our friends and family worked together to design invitations and programs. They distributed the invitations electronically and professionally printed program booklets that contained an obituary, order of ceremony, song lyrics, and Travis Jr.’s handprints and footprints. Even if you aren’t skilled in graphic design, you can collaborate with others to make sure this piece is taken care of.
v. Order flowers and other decor for the service. Ask if the parents have a desired color scheme (ours was white and gold) and plan accordingly. You can order items such as flowers, balloons, candles, and other decor to help create a beautiful atmosphere to honor the child’s life.
vi. Arrange music for the service. Ask the parents if there are any particular songs or musicians they would like to include in the service, and make it happen to the extent possible. We requested a particular couple of artists to lead a few songs at Travis Jr.’s service. Although the artists had another commitment that day, our loved ones were able to coordinate with them to figure out the timing so they could participate; they provided a heavenly rendition at the service that blessed many of the attendees, and especially us as the parents. Also, as you help to coordinate music, ensure other logistics are taken care of such as creating a playlist, having appropriate speakers and audio equipment, and ensuring the right songs are played at the right time.
vii. Set up a livestream/recording of the service (if desired). Some parents will prefer to maintain a small, intimate ceremony, while others may choose to invite a wider range of people. We chose to livestream Travis Jr.’s memorial service and appreciated this opportunity to have people join in support from afar. If livestream is desired, you can work with the venue to ensure this detail is taken care of.
viii. Participate in the service. You can offer your support during the service through ways such as saying a prayer, reading a Bible passage, reciting a poem, singing, or serving as an usher. Also, in our case, two of Travis Jr.’s uncles served as his pall bearers, which we felt was such an honorable role for them to be willing and able to carry our son’s body.
ix. Coordinate refreshments for the post-service repast. Whether it’s a full meal or just snacks or desserts, having time to fellowship and “break bread together” can be a much-appreciated activity for the parents and the guests. (That said, though we chose to include this component, we weren’t very interested in chatting with others when the time came. We ultimately decided to still engage in this part, though it would’ve been totally fine if we had chosen to no longer do so.) Nonetheless, the repast served as an opportunity for family and friends from various parts of our lives to come together and meet each other - showcasing Travis Jr.’s legacy and his impact of bringing together people from so many different backgrounds. To help plan this event, consider including some of the child’s favorite foods on the menu (or if they were a baby, foods their mother craved while pregnant).
x. Attend the service. Even if you’re not able to actively help with any of the preparations, your sheer presence will speak volumes by showing that you care. We will always remember with great gratitude each and every person - family member, friend, church leader, church member, and colleague - who took time out of their schedules and for many, paid money to travel - to show up and stand with us in our mourning. We appreciate every single person who attended the service to honor the life of our precious son.
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Future posts will include more ways to help you be the best relative or friend you can be to someone who has lost a child. Know that you don’t have to do it all yourself and can recruit a team of other relatives and friends to help support the bereaved parent in all these different ways.
To stay informed about future posts, subscribe to our newsletter below. To review previous posts in this series, read part 1 and part 2.