Remembering Baby Johnson

This week’s blog post is written by Hassa Johnson, in remembrance of her child who was miscarried.  

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Our baby lived for 8 weeks and a day. My husband (Tim) and I had just heard and seen our baby’s strong heartbeat two days prior to the miscarriage. We were told that this was very ‘normal’ and that we could try again in 3 months. It didn’t feel normal and I didn’t want to try and replace the child that we had just lost. 

Our hearts were aching in pain and we were experiencing emotions that we had never felt before. I had to process the physical and mental trauma of losing our child as well as feelings of inadequacy and anger. Tim had to process feelings of grief, loss and helplessness. 

We both didn’t know what to do, but we knew that we needed to draw near towards God. 

One thing that we will always cherish about our baby is their courageous spirit. When Tim and I first found out that we were pregnant, we were elated with joy. Very quickly, I felt challenged in learning how to swim. “If I’m going to bring life into this world, I need to know how to best protect my baby.” I took weekly swim classes for several weeks. Apparently, floating is the most foundational skill in swimming; so I first learned how to float. 

Today, I can say that I learned how to swim because of my first courageous baby. I learned how to lean into God and trust Him in all things. I learned how to draw near to God through His word, prayer and worship. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8 ESV). 

In a time of confusion and sadness, I was forced to grieve and it was uncomfortable, but so very necessary. I thank God for His grace and gentle spirit that allowed Tim and I to remember our courageous baby’s life. 

My late friend, Lydia said this to me, “The grieving won’t go away. There will be times where you will struggle. Those times might be heightened during anticipated milestones and holidays. Your baby’s due date, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas and more. Have grace for yourself because you will learn how to live. God is and always will be with you.” 

Almost two years later and I’m still holding on to every word that Lydia said to me during my time of the miscarriage. Having experienced this herself and grown her family, she was able to use her testimony to encourage me. I’m praying that this does the same to you! I now have an almost one year old and because of her oldest sibling, our lives (and hers) have changed for the better.